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It Happened Again

It happened again. That awkward, feeling out of place, why is everyone looking at me, moment that I hate most of all. I have had those moments so many times in the past and I hate being made to feel like I am stupid and don’t belong and that is what those moments make me feel like. They have compounded the last five years with moving to a new place and having children in school. Why is it so hard for people to say hello to the new person? But I digress. That awkward out of place, I just want to hide in a hole, moment happened again.

It is hard for me to join a new group and put myself out there especially when it is unfamiliar territory. But, one of the things I have been pushing myself to do is to put myself out there. Fight the anxiety. The demons of my past and put myself out there so that I can grow but also so that just maybe some good will come out of it. And I do love to help. So, I have been pushing myself to do more and put myself out there more. And a lot of the time it turns out OK. But not this time. This time, it was that awful moment of being out of place and praying that the ground would just swallow me whole.

So, here is what happened.

So, here is what happened. I volunteered to help with a school function that my daughter was involved in. The person in charge from my daughter’s school forgot to pass on the information that I was going to help, so when I showed up to help, the person in charge of the volunteers said, “You are not listed here. I didn’t know you were coming.” “Oh, I am sorry, I guess the information didn’t get passed along,” I said, like it was no big deal, except apparently it was. Everyone looked at me like I was an outsider, not meant to be there and I literally stood in the corner by myself for seventy five percent of the day without a single person saying anything to me, not even a hello.

Now in the defense of the people running things, it wasn’t their fault that there was a breakdown in communication. And honestly it was a busy day so trying to appease this strange newcomer wasn’t on their priority list. But to completely ignore someone and in turn make them feel like they didn’t belong was hard for me to face.

I tried to find ways to help but I had no idea what I was doing so I awkwardly went from one corner to the next desperately trying not to cry. Yes, this forty-one-year-old woman felt so out of place and so awkward that I was fighting back tears most of the morning. I even contemplated leaving. But my daughter said to me, I love having you here mom.

Oh, those words, “love having YOU here.”

So, I stayed.

We were not even spending that much time together because she was doing her own thing but just the thought that I was there on the same premises as her, was enough to bring her joy. So, I stayed. I fought the feelings of awkwardness and I realized something. I had done something I had been trying not to do and that was allow other peoples opinions of me control me.

I have been on this journey of growth for awhile now and I promised myself I wasn’t going to let my fears of what people may think, affect me. And yet I walked into that school feeling insecure and I allowed my insecure thoughts of what someone might think get the better of me. When I realized this, I pushed past that awkwardness and I forced a smile on my face, and I continued with the day.

I don’t know if it was the forcing back of tears or the forcing of the smile but a fellow mom took pity on me at last and gave me a small task to do and we chatted for a bit about some very important topics. Soon after my daughter and I participated in the final event of the day together and I learned about what our children face in schools. And when I got home and looked back at the day, I realized that the whole day wasn’t a waste.

But, I learned something.

Yes, it happened again, because I let it happen again. But, I learned something. I learned that I still need to grow in this area. I learned that I still need to stop letting other people’s opinions or what I think are other people’s opinions of me ruin my day. They don’t know me, and they don’t know my life. And if they want to pass judgement, let them. But honestly chances are they are not even thinking of me at all. And they may not even notice me at all, which can also be hard, but I can’t take it personally. I learned that my daughter loves it when I volunteer and am just present for her. Which is far more important than what other people think!

It is moments like that day that can bring about growth if we let it. Are there other ways I would like to learn, maybe. But we can’t grow in the comfort zones. We can only grow in the uncomfortable zones. So, maybe it wasn’t so bad that it happened again.

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