Oh, October how I love thee. The cool, crisp air. The scent of smoke from campfires or wood burning stoves. Warm flannel and comfortable sweatshirts. The promise of a new Holiday season. And dare I say, Pumpkin Spice? All these things are just a few of the reasons I love October. But I also have a reason to not like October as well. You know that whole, “love, hate” relationship we often have or talk about with other things we love to hate or hate to love.
October 17, 2016 marked a journey in our home that I am reminded of often, especially when I look at my beautiful child that is now three. She is happy and despite all her health challenges is quite healthy. And for this we are so blessed. But every year, on October 17, I get a pang in my stomach, I become extra anxious and my mind wonders back to that day often through out that day and for a few days after.
That day, three years ago, was when our child got sick for the first time and the days that followed were a difficult challenge for her and for us. Fevers bouncing from 102 degrees to 105 degrees despite medication, lots of testing and lots of tears from myself and our child, lots of prayers and asking questions until it finally led us to her diagnosis of Vesicoureteral Reflux. A kidney condition that she was born with.
The fears, the anxiety and the emotional roller coaster in it all was overwhelming and exhausting.
For the next several months she would be in and out of the hospital every two weeks with five to fourteen day stays until she finally had surgery on December 28, 2016. She was still only six months old when we had to lay her into a surgeon’s arms and then wait. The fears, the anxiety and the emotional roller coaster in it all was overwhelming and exhausting.
Our girl would go on, after a successful surgery, to have permanent kidney damage as a result of her condition, a severe peanut allergy which would be discovered several short months later, issues with her legs that cause bad pigeon toes, where she trips over her own feet requiring another specialist to be involved in her little life, and a left eye that would go on to require a second surgery to her tiny little body at the age of three.
So many issues have plagued her little body and yet she just keeps moving forward with life as though it was normal to have yearly doctor appointments with her specialists, multiple follow up appointments, extra caution any time we go anywhere so that we may prevent contamination to peanuts and tree nuts so that quite frankly she doesn’t stop breathing and die, and all the other regular day to day difficulties of having all of her health “issues”.
But I have since learned a few things that have helped to change my thinking on this.
Now I know her journey is mild in comparison to some and I have often grappled over the last three years with the fact that my heart hurts and my anxiety flairs, especially when I see her struggle so much. And especially when others may have it so much worse. But I have since learned a few things that have helped to change my thinking on this.
The first thing I have learned is, I can’t compare myself or our child’s situation to other people or other people’s situations. I have touched on this in a previous blog. But it is always worth reminding. We should never compare ourselves. Period. We all have our own journeys and challenges in life and comparison of other people only tears each other down or minimizes someone’s pain. And pain should never be minimized, because pain is real no matter the severity. And pain is always going to be a challenge to overcome.
Two, just because others may have worse experiences doesn’t make ours any less hard. I would never want to imagine what others have gone through with different experiences from mine, harder situations from mine. But going through what we went through was still hard.
Watching our child suffer was heartbreaking. Watching our other three children struggle because mommy was at the hospital all the time and sissy was sick, was still hard. Sleeping, if that’s what you want to call it, on the hospital couch that made out into a bed for nights on end was still hard. Watching your child struggle no matter the situation is always going to be a difficult thing for a parent to do no matter what, because it is our child and we want to fix things for them, and we want to protect them.
The third thing learned is, remembering everything every year or on random days is still hard and may be for years to come but that doesn’t mean I am weak or trying to relive it all for some morbid reason. It just means the emotions and pain we all felt during that time was hard. Now remembering it every year is different for me than it is my husband, for several reasons, which would require a whole other post of explanation in and of itself. That doesn’t mean he cares less then I do. But in an attempt of explaining briefly, it just means that how he went through the situation was different then mine. His experience while going through it was different.
A fourth thing learned is that our daughter is one of the strongest people I have ever met. She was as a tiny little baby and she still is today. Her perseverance and strength to carry on, often without complaint, even after having gone through so much, is quite a remarkable thing to watch.
And finally, it’s OK for me to have all the feelings I am feeling surrounding the whole situation. It’s OK for me to be sad at the several months I feel like I missed in my sons, her twin brother, day to day milestones and changes. It’s OK for me to be angry that she had to go through any of this and still must go through things going forward in her life.
I am going to feel what I feel.
It’s OK for me to remember the pain and overwhelming part of it. It’s OK when my anxiety flairs up or my stomach hurts on October 17th every year. But the most important thing I could do when this happens is not to dwell there. It’s OK for me to feel all those emotions and sit in them for a moment, if I don’t allow them to take over my life and negatively impact my life. I am going to feel what I feel. And that is OK.
So, every year when October hits I will always be reminded of this part of our lives and I will continue to love this time of year and there will always be a little part of me that really doesn’t like it at all. I will always have those reminders of the pain and the hard in it. And I may at times be angry or sad. It is important for me to always remember though, to not stay in those feelings and emotions, and continue to turn the page.
It is important that we keep moving forward no matter what comes our way. Even when it is hard to do so, especially when it is hard to do so. Because moving forward and growing and learning through it all, is what helps give me a peace I need, despite all the pain of what we went through.
One of her multiple hospital stays!
Our girl in Autumn today!
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